1. |
Not Okay
04:26
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Feet firmly planted in a false foundation, I am standing up straight for all to see
I will let you in; my walls are thin, and things look different on the inside of me
I am a home that I have built out of paper and pain
Limbs stretched to their limit, holding up walls against the rain
And most times I stay standing
I who do the standing
Because I thought I had to be a fortress, but you look at me and say
That my effort is blessed and you’ll invest in this mess
Blood and sweat and tears, and that’s okay
And I am not okay, and that’s okay
I spend all my time clinging to a life that I don’t know what it takes to maintain
This is not a place of rest, just stress, and all I know is to self-sustain
With wallpaper peeling, carpet stained, wood rotting through
I curl up in my center, but my center’s rotting, too
Burdened and weary
Dark and dreary
Because I thought I had to be my own rock; well, you look at me and say
That I can’t do this by myself, and you’ll be my somebody-else
That I will always need some help, and that’s okay
I am a fixer-upper of a human life
Not equipped with the required skill to heal it
I have prayed so hard for this light to warm instead of burn
And God, it’s such a joy to feel it
To build a home out of love, and not of paper
And I know not everybody needs a savior
But I thought I had to be a fortress; well, you look at me and say
That my effort is blessed, and you’ll invest in this mess
Blood and sweat and tears, and that’s okay
And I am not okay, no I am not okay I am not okay
And that’s okay
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2. |
Rededication
02:45
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Mmm, when Jesus comes, where will I be?
Just a little sheep, feelin' a little weak, fallen on my knees
I hear him ask, "Did you feed me? Did you come to my side?
When I was sick and tired, did you let me inside?”
And I cry, "Lord, I've tried, but sometimes I just don't know.”
So when the world needs more love, I will give it,
And when the world needs more Christ, I will live it,
And when I stumble through your way, I'll forgive it today
Mmm, when the angels come, what will I see?
Blinding faces, or saving graces, or light in endless streams?
Or see a world that's been prepared since the beginning of time
For all the least of these brothers and sisters of mine
And sheep of all colors and kinds and they're all yours
So when the world needs more love, I will give it,
And when the world needs more Christ, I will live it,
And when I stumble through your way, I'll forgive it today
I’ll be a witness to the kindness I believe in
And the justice I could never serve
Finding strength and taking comfort
In a love no one could ever deserve
So when the world needs more love, I will give it,
And when the world needs more Christ, I will live it,
And when I stumble through your way, I'll forgive it today
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3. |
Lookin' for Paradise
02:36
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Fences and attitudes keep us apart
Compromise tends to wear thin
He heard her knocking’ at the door of his heart
But in the end, he could not let her in
It happens too often when it happens to you
Too often, it’s happened to me
And I’ve been the villain, and I’ve been the victim
And I’ve been the blind referee
And I’d like to quit lookin’ for paradise
Or find it, one of the two
But I can’t and I won’t and I can’t understand
How the best is the best you can do
It’s a hard thing to hear when a friend puts you down
It’s a pretty bad feeling to fight
Like an outlaw with orders to get out of town
Oh my, ain’t it cold out tonight
Mostly it’s misunderstanding I guess
Mostly it’s nothin’ at all
And you never miss August or the smell of fresh hay
’Til November when the snow starts to fall
And I’d like to quit lookin’ for paradise
Or find it, one of the two
But I can’t and I won’t and I can’t understand
How the best is the best you can do
And they tell me eternity still is the same
After you’ve cut it in two
But I can’t understand, no I can’t understand
How the best is the best you can do
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4. |
Hello, Stranger
03:27
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Hello, stranger, can I give you what I have?
I don’t have all that much, but I don’t need it all
And I was taught by the stories of a Middle Eastern man
That I should give when I can
Especially in dangerous times
Especially when everyone is drawing lines
And building walls
And I want to believe that in this country
No one has to take the fall
And I will pledge allegiance to this flag
When there is liberty and justice for all
Hello, stranger, can I offer you my time?
I don’t have answers, but I can lend an ear
I believe that your anger is justified
And that we’re all made weaker by fear
But I understand if trust is hard
And I understand if you’re just too scarred
Because the problem looks just like me
And I want to believe that in this country
No one has to take the fall
And I will pledge allegiance to this flag
When there is liberty and justice for all
I take a long look in the mirror
I'll tell you what I see
I am not a perfect Christian
I am not a perfect feminist
I am not a perfect pacifist
And I am not a perfect friend
So while I can’t demand perfection
We can demand that the killing end
And I want to believe that in this country
No one has to take the fall
And I will pledge allegiance to this flag
When there is liberty and justice for all
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5. |
You've Been Conditioned
02:54
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“This isn’t the real him,” you say and you grin
The way you do when things are falling apart
Because the one thing you know, that you really have to show
Is that you gave that kid your whole, entire heart
And you’re remembering a time when you two didn’t cheat and lie
Though what time that was, you can’t really say
You've been conditioned, babe
He showed you his face and gave you words like "love" and "keep" and “stay”
So when that same face feeds you lies and distance
And all those pretty words get stained
Your mouth still waters
“You don’t know him like I do,” you say – and it’s true
But if it’s all the same to you, we’d rather not
Because as long as we’ve cared, as as long as we’ve been here
The back and forth, the broken motions haven’t stopped
There’s some sick, twisted reason; honestly thinking you’re even
If your hearts have strayed the same amount of times
You've been conditioned, babe
He showed you his face and gave you words like "love" and "keep" and “stay”
So when that same face feeds you lies and distance
And all those pretty words get stained
Your mouth still waters
Fireball and cigarettes won’t get the mess to leave
They just blur it all and make you think it’s easier to breathe
And you wake up knowing what you’ve always known
That you need to be fine
Alone
But you've been conditioned, babe
He showed you his face and gave you words like "love" and "keep" and “stay”
So when that same face feeds you lies and distance
And all those pretty words get stained
Your mouth still waters
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6. |
Strange Reunions
04:31
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“I had hoped to see you sooner, but I never thought we’d see each other here”
“So tragic; he was way too young,” “No man should lose his only son”
“Thanksgiving just won’t be the same this year”
I wish that you were smirking in the corner hearing what they have to say
And I wish that your absence weren’t the reason they’re all here today
It’s colder in your father’s eyes than it is outside
And I know I need to breathe but I keep holding it
Thinking maybe you’ll come through the door and it’ll all be like before
That maybe it’s a dream and we’ll wake up from it
You’ll be smoking on my patio and worrying our mothers
And I’ll like to think that, quietly, we understand each other
Yeah, usually our crew is festive, but today I’m wearing black on black on black
It’s a strange, strange reunion you’ve called for, cuz
So many lives you led, so many lives you changed
How strikingly wrong that you’re the one who has been shortchanged
I’ve heard Great Uncle Al sometimes lies down on his cemetery plot
Just to see if he’ll fit
Yeah, he’s a little off his rocker, but we all are, and it’s high time we admitted it
Now this shouldn’t have been Al, but it sure as hell shouldn’t have been you
Sure as hell or somewhere darker, nobody had prepared themselves for you
It’s a strange, strange reunion you’ve called for, cuz
I think the biggest one I’ve seen, for good reason
And we didn’t bury you in Allegheny County, but we raised you up in Cleveland
You tested every limit (you learned it from your dad)
And yours was one of the freest spirits that this family had
You flew nests and you hopped fences
And you were coming to a sense of where you’d been
And who you’d be
And where you’d go
And when you fell, it was by no fault of your own
It’s a strange, strange reunion you’ve called for, cuz
Reminding us all just who and how to love
And how no matter how many times we say it, it can never be enough
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7. |
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Midnight has taken its dusty toll
And the summertime has taken on a chill
I look at the phone – nobody home
I feel like dyin’ and I guess someday I will
And there ain’t nothin’ up but the ceiling
No one to ask, “Where were you?”
Nothin’ at home but this feeling
No one and, no, nothin’ new
When she was with me, when love was mine
Yes, I believe somehow it wasn’t right
But that won’t help me to pass my time
Or from needin’ me somebody here tonight
’Cause there ain’t nothin’ up but the ceiling
No one to ask, “Where were you?”
Nothin’ at home but this feeling
No one and, no, nothin’ new
Life does get painful, life does get old
When it leave you all alone and standing’ there
Love does get empty, love does get cold
And it would be a lie to say that I don’t care
That there ain’t nothin’ up but the ceiling
No one to ask, “Where were you?”
Nothin’ at home but this feeling
No one and, no, nothin’ new.
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8. |
Second Chances
04:29
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We were covered in paper cuts
Words that dug deeper every time
Lingering fumblings towards love
Pushing too far, crossing thick lines
And we'd give and we'd give and were nothing
And we'd tell each other that that's not okay
But we'd both just keep hoping the paper cuts would change
Because givin' up givin' ourselves just don't come easy
I thought I had one truth
That I was never closed
I get my heart ripped out and I love and I trust
And I bask in the blows
Because I'd rather feel a sting than feel nothing
I'd rather come down crashing than not move at all
And somehow I decided it's always better to fall
Because givin’ up givin’ourselves just don’t come easy
I always reconcile; I always let people walk right back in
The paper cuts never heal, so we crack and we break and it starts with the skin
I have never known how to avoid and I don't want to learn
I have never given up hope, but the openness slowly started to burn
You were livin' on coffee and cigarettes
And I was livin' on wine and black tea
And we were both gettin' by on tellin' each other,
"Tomorrow I'll wake up and live for me”
But there were too many late nights
Too much of not being quite alright
And a problem we both have with always loving ghosts
You would come home every night fading
And I'd come home pretending to be free
And we'd fall asleep every night tellin' each other,
"It's different, I'm different, you'll wait and you'll see
This is the last time I'm letting him back in
This is the last time I'm letting him under my skin
Yeah, he's almost got me givin' up second chances
And third, and fourth, and fifth, and hundredth chances”
But givin' up on givin' ourselves don't come so easy
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9. |
Rosie's a Friend of Mine
03:48
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Saturday is much too long in coming
Or so they say, but anyway I'm not counting
In her back yard
She's got that engine humming to my guitar
How she loves that car
Three-fifty horses running
And, sure, I'm hanging 'round for more than the view
When she takes me down on Ocean Avenue
Rosie's a friend of mine
She loves her Mustang and summertime
Yellow daisies and dandelions
Lying in the Sandy Hook sunshine
She's like poetry that doesn't rhyme
Smoky kisses and valentines
Limoncello and Italian wine
Rosie's a friend of mine
I can't see
What she thinks she's doin' messing 'round with me
Quite possibly, she's got something brewin'
But for my time, it's a mystery worth pursuin'
How she looks so fine
She steals me blind
The girl may be my ruin
So what I'm hanging 'round like fools in love do
When she takes me down on Ocean Avenue
Rosie's a friend of mine
She loves her Mustang and summertime
Yellow daisies and dandelions
Lying naked in the noon sunshine
She's like poetry that doesn't rhyme
Smoky kisses and valentines
Limoncello and Italian wine
Rosie's a friend of mine
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10. |
Too Soon
03:30
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There's a scene I painted, or maybe two or three
Your tiptoes met a canyon that would take you from me
And you knew you could fly, and I knew you could die
And your mind wouldn't let you be
I still wake up sometimes thinkin' it's a nightmare
That something so dark couldn't take such a brilliant soul
And I want you to know that you're still shining
And that I still don't feel whole
And I wanna cry, "Babe, what have you done?"
But I know
And weren't you the one who said, "Don't let your friends go
too soon"?
Well, you know, I think if love conquered all we would've done it by now
Before the sand in this glass ran out
Or before the glass was shattered on the floor
And it shouldn't be that we don't see
Or choose to see things clearly
Until the girl in the ground is yours
And it shouldn't have to matter whose daughter she was
Or whose sister she was or whose lover she was
She was human and, goddammit, that's enough
And if your prayers let you off the hook
And you won't look at where the killer lives
Then I think you need a different kind of love
And I'm crying, "Babe, what could I have done?"
I just don't know
And I'm torturing myself, honey
When did I let my friend go?
And what's thirty seconds versus thirty hours?
We're all so tiny anyway – it wasn't that long
God didn't even blink and somehow you're not hours
But you can't be lifeless, you're so damn strong
And I'm crying, "Babe, what can be done?"
I need to know
'Cause we've laid our roses down
But I can't let my friend go
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11. |
Let Me Bee
02:56
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We couldn’t have known
We couldn’t have dreamed
With our bodies and words trapped in teenage time
What would be
On a quest for a love that would not give us up
To hold us when we couldn’t stay standing
We didn’t know what we were planting
I am with you at your core
You are mine and I am yours
For worse or for better
I’ll love you forever
I promise to
I promise you, I do
I promise you, I do
The biggest of hearts
The smallest of seeds
Sown in the soil of our skin and souls
Planted deep
You have always been there underneath it all
Helping me bloom when we only knew rain
We didn’t know how we would rise up
Again and again and again
I am with you at your core
You are mine and I am yours
For worse or for better
I’ll love you forever
I promise to
I promise you, I do
I promise you, I do
Most days I don’t know if I’m feeding this world
If I’m a seed or a weed or a bee
But I love you and I like you
And it’s never been in spite of you
The friend you have in me
That you wake up every day and let me be
I am with you at your core
You are mine and I am yours
For worse or for better
I’ll love you forever
I promise to
I promise you, I do
I promise you, I do
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12. |
From Where I Still Am
02:33
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She said, “I think I’ll go to Brooklyn” with a ticket in her hand
But the world drove her to Cleveland by way of Bethlehem
And she sobbed in hotel rooms and on buses and on couches on the way
A sense of obligation, a weighty family name
A drive to share the moments after everything had changed
But even as a chorus it feels empty to say
“I love you from where I still am”
She said, “I think I’ll go to Boston,” but the world had other plans
It drove her back to Bethlehem, bus tickets all be damned
And the love and the need and the fear and the grief gripped her heart
A fierce and tested loyalty, that same great family name
A black hole where a stellar light has always been the same
In a world where we’ve never lived without you, we say
“I love you from where I still am”
From a world where beautiful, young people die
And grown people can’t find safe places to cry
A world without a man who shook my hand and loved me into who I am
Me and thousands more
Who are proud and aching and sore
And say, “I love you from where I still am”
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Rachel Marie Boston, Massachusetts
Short Bio
Rachel Marie follows in a tradition of unapologetically forthright women
folksingers, with songs that hearken to "overstuffed lines of Tori Amos, philosophical turn of Indigo Girls, and lilting vocals like Joni Mitchell." The social awareness of folk meets the introspection of the singer-songwriter tradition with a moderate dose of snark.
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